


missing you

by czqy



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Emotional Manipulation, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, God I don't know how to tag, M/M, Male Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Monologue?, but everyone is in it!, but keith is most sad, but who knows lmao, cause i guess keith is sorta talking to himself, everyone is sad, holt family makes an appearance, i mean i hope it's angsty that was my intention, klangst, lance's family makes an appearance, oh also it's very dialogue heavy, shay makes an appearance, very keith centric fic, very minor though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 09:57:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8484934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/czqy/pseuds/czqy
Summary: Lance doesn't survive the explosion. They don't know that yet though, so while waiting for Lance to come out the cryo-pod, Keith decides to talk. What does he talk about? Many things. Mainly how he feels about Lance being in the cryo-pod. When he knows Lance is dead, he starts talking about how he feels with Lance gone and keeps him up to date with everything that happens.





	

**Author's Note:**

> so. should I have been writing the final chapter for [my fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8080555/chapters/18515446)? yes. more importantly, should I have been revising for my exams? heck yes. however, I saw [this picture](https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BxJld5_UFGVbVHM0LS05a3JmakU/view?usp=sharing) on Instagram and as much as I personally dislike those kinds of posts this one got angsty (who doesn't love angst) and it inspired me to write this. now, I don't really know if this is angsty? idk, I quite like it and I hope you do too :)

Turns out, cryo-pods don’t work on humans as well as they do for Alteans. After a day, Lance still isn’t out. Every paladin visits him, although Keith finds himself staying there for longer durations, barely ever leaving the room. He finds it surprising, the blue paladin frustrates him more often than not, he finds the flirting excessive and absolutely hates the jokes, but now it seems like he misses them.

* * *

On the second day when the silence becomes deafening, Keith decides to talk.

“I don’t hate you. Did you know that? I don’t know, you always went around talking about our rivalry and we always competed against each other so I was thinking that maybe you actually thought I disliked you. Well, I don’t. I hope you don’t dislike me either. Everyone misses you, please wake up.”

* * *

At first Keith finds talking to an unresponsive body in a cryo-pod weird, but soon it’s soothing, almost therapeutic.

“Your last words to me, Lance, were ‘We did it. We are a good team.’ I agree, but we can’t be a team without you here with us. We can’t form Voltron, so we won’t be able to defeat Zarkon and the Galra Empire. Oh… Sorry, I didn’t mean to make it sound like that, uh, we don’t need you back just so we can keep fighting. We miss you for you, and we all want you back.”

“Before that, the second to last phrase you said to me was that ‘we’ll work on it.’ I’ve been trying to figure out what you mean by ‘I say Vol, you say…’, so if - when - you come out I can surprise you, but I just don’t get it. No one else on the team does either, so I have to wait for you. We’re all waiting for you to come back.”

* * *

On the third night, sleeping in the healing chamber, Keith has a revelation. He tells Lance as soon as dawn breaks.

“I think I like you. Will that be weird for you? It’s weird for me. I mean, I’ve never liked girls but I’ve never really liked boys either; I’ve never been around enough people to determine what kind of people I like, so it’s…different. I don’t know what this feeling is, but I feel like it’s what people would call a ‘crush’. I’ll have to ask Hunk later. This makes me a bad person, but I’m glad you’re still healing right now. I want you back, trust me, I want that more than anything, but I don’t think I could confess to you if you weren’t. Anyways, I’m gonna take a break and sort out my feelings, I’ll be back later. Miss you.”

“Remember the food goo fight we had when we were still learning how to be a team? I liked that. It was the first time I saw how not-so-bad you were, and the most fun I had in _years_. I haven't been able to look at food goo since, which isn’t great because we rarely have other food but honestly? I don’t mind. Nothing is as worse as not having you here. I miss you, Lance, please wake up.”

* * *

“You know, I’ve always wanted to know why you were so set on our rivalry. That was how you greeted me, as your rival. I know I didn’t recognise you right away, but I had kept any thoughts of the Galaxy Garrison locked in the back of my mind. Even then, I don’t ever remember having a rivalry with you. To be honest, the only reason why I even remembered you was because you always placed after me. Hmm, that’s why, right? I was always “better” than you and you wanted to beat me so that bred competition. You could’ve just told me you know? I could’ve chilled a bit and let you get up there. If it counts, I hope you were first for everything after I was expelled. You’ll always be first in my heart, anyways. Okay wow, that was cheesy, um, I might just… leave now, see you tomorrow! I hope you return to us by then.”

* * *

“I’m not a horrible person, am I? I know I don’t have as much experience as others, I’m sorry. I wish I could be like you. You always seem so confident, albeit sometimes cocky, and everyone adores you. I guess a part of me resents you for that, how _likeable_ you are. I’m okay with being the serious one, the one that causes others to groan when they enter the room, the one who breaks up the fun parties - but for once I want to see what it’s like to be at the party, you know? Anyways, you’re charming, and I guess I fell for you spell too, huh? I miss you, come back.”

* * *

After five days an evaluation is conducted, and Coran has to break it to the team that Lance won’t be able to fully heal. The cryo-pod is keeping him alive, but without it he probably isn’t going to survive. The injuries he sustained were worse than anticipated, and the team has to decide whether they want to take him out or keep him in the pod. Allura is the one who tells them they may keep Lance in the pod if they wish, but the chance he will miraculously heal properly and come out is “smaller than the length of a human second.”

There’s a moment of silence, and then the room erupts. Hunk and Keith want to keep Lance in the pod, while Pidge and Shiro agree to stop the healing process.

“How could you? You’re basically killing him!” Keith can’t believe what Pidge and Shiro are willing to do.

“Keith, you’re not thinking straight, you’re feelings are getting in the way. Lance is essentially on the equivalent of our… Pidge, what’s it called again?” Shiro tries to reason with Keith but he isn’t willing to listen.

“Life support. Lance is basically on life support, the cryo-pod is helping him breathe, making his heart beat and keeping his brain functioning. On Earth people can survive when they are taken off life support, but from what I can tell Lance won’t be able to. The Lance we know is already gone.” Pidge takes a deep breath in and Keith assumes he’s done talking, but what he says next causes Keith’s blood to boil. “Hunk, do you really think Lance would forgive us for doing this to him? The Lance we know, your _best_ friend, don’t you remember how full of life he was? Deep down, you know that this is the right choice. Lance wouldn’t want to be stuck lifeless in a pod, would you want to be? If the roles were reversed?”

Hunk is crying, but he nods, albeit so slowly it barely passes as one. “Okay,” he says with a shaky voice, “we should take him off. Lance doesn’t deserve this.”

Allura’s voice breaks through clear and steady, she knows how delicate the situation is. “We will take him out of the pod tomorrow, you may take the time between now and then to bid farewell, or say anything you else you wish.”

As a group, they decide on the order in which they’ll say goodbye. Keith is last the last paladin; after him Allura and Coran will visit, then they’ll all sleep in the healing chamber as commemoration.

When it’s Keith’s turn, he doesn’t know what to say. “I, uh, I can’t believe this is happening, that they’re doing this. Coran told me that he would’ve wanted to keep you in the pod too, but it wasn’t his, nor Allura’s place to have a say. It’s fair, I suppose, majority rules and all… There’s nothing to be done now. Please wake up, Lance, please. One time, you said that when you’re gone you wanted the stuff in your brain stored in a giant ship. I told you the amount of information in your brain could be stored in a paper aeroplane, remember that? I wish we could have more moments like that, so I asked if you don’t survive being taken out of the pod whether we could store your memories here. The team was excited, they brightened up at the idea but then Coran told us that the subject had to be alive to have their memories extracted and replicated. We could try it with you, but you might already be dead by the time we get to the room, and with the little chance you have of surviving it was decided that any false hope would be unnecessary.

Your only other option, Lance, is to wake up. If not for me, for us, then for your family. You always talked about how much you miss them, how much you miss home, how much you miss the rain. You won’t be able to go back to them if you don’t wake up, so please. If not, it’s…okay, if it’s your time and you’re fine with leaving, then I’ll respect your choice. That isn’t going to mean I won’t miss you, though.

Coran and Allura are at the door, I guess my time is up. Goodbye, Lance.”

* * *

The next day, the entire castle is silent and breaths are held when Lance is taken out of the pod. Not surprisingly, Lance doesn’t wake up, however that does not make the situation any less bearable. The room remains silent, no one speaks, but they know that they are all crying, mourning the loss of their teammate and most importantly, their friend. Afterwards, and for a while, everything is different.

Hunk closes in on himself, no longer the happy food-loving guy - in fact, he hasn’t eaten a proper meal in days. Pidge is wracked with guilt, even though the team tell him that he shouldn’t be - it wasn’t his fault the Galra had used a replica of Rover as a bomb, no one could’ve known. Shiro feels like a disappointment, he’s the leader - he should’ve been able to prevent something like this happening. He is reminded of the Kerberos mission and how he failed his team there too - he’s overcome with nightmares and loses sleep. Allura and Coran distance themselves from the team, they want to give the paladins their space, but all of a sudden they are also reminded of their personal loss - of King Alfor, and the entirety of Altea. They decide to stop any more missions for the time being and land the ship on a friendly planet - it’s a time for grief. Keith changes the most, he’s confined to his room and stops going to the healing chamber altogether, where Lance has been put in a hovering coffin with a glass top.

* * *

Keith finally goes to see Lance after a memorial service has been held. “I never understood why you wanted and like celebratory parades so much, in fact I personally hated them. Now, I wish for them more than ever because it would mean that you were here. We had a funeral today, if you can call it that. There was a parade, but not one you would’ve like, I don’t think. It was way too gloomy and there were so many tears and - Lance why are you gone? I never took you seriously and I never tried to get to know you really well and now I regret regret regret all of it. If I could restart this life just so you could be here again I’d do it. I’d live through all the hardships, I’d get expelled from the Garrison again, I’d even trade places with you when the bomb went off just so I could see you, talk to you, one more time. I miss you, so much, and it gets harder without you everyday.”

* * *

“You have so many fans, Lance, I think you would've loved it. Word gets around the galaxy fast, I guess. Many planets are aware you died, and so many people have sent us flowers, gifts and letters! I’ll read some out to you:

 

_Paladins,_

_I have heard of the blue paladin’s passing and would like to give my condolences, war is a hard time and it is always difficult to lose a loved one. I hope that you will continue to fight hard and put Zarkon in his place. To the blue paladin, your death will not be in vain, and we will always remember your accomplishments._

_With gratitude,_

_Anfen, Crown Prince of Karum_

 

He also sent a bouquet of flowers, if you can call it that; they move - on their own. How creepy.

 

_Blue paladin,_

_I’m sad you’re no longer with us, because I’ve always wanted to meet you! Well, I’ve wanted to meet the entire team, but you especially, you’re so charming! The war sucks, and I’m sorry you were caught up in it. All of my friends love you, we were all very upset, but we built you a little memorial! I attached a picture._

 

This one isn’t signed, but wow. I’m looking at the picture now and it’s impressive, over the top - just like you. Haha. It’s also very blue, and it has a banner that says “WE LOVE LANCE!”

 

_Dear Lance,_

_My name is Loya, I am 6! My mummy and daddy told me that it is a sad time, that you have died. I don’t really know what it means, but I do know that everyone is very sad. My sister told me that you are gone now, but you tried your very best to save us from the Galra Empire! Thank you! You are my hero, and I hope to be like you one day. My brother is helping me write this letter, but it is hard for him to believe you are someone’s favourite paladin, because his favourite is the red one, Keef? Whatever, he can suck it up, this is all about you, Lance! I love you and I hope you’re having fun, wherever you are._

_Love,_

_Loya_

_PS. I also sent you my favourite toy! It’s the blue lion. ♡_

 

That’s my favourite one, can you imagine how adorable they are? I really do agree with their last sentence, I hope you are okay wherever you are now, and I miss you.”

* * *

“Allura is piloting the blue lion now, we decided it would be better to have her than some stranger. No one can replace you, and although Allura has taken your place everyone knows it’s rightfully yours. We haven’t been able to form Voltron either, our minds have been a mess and there are too many emotions and - I don’t think I can do this anymore, Lance. I don’t think I can do this without you here. I’m fighting a lot with everyone and I know we fought all the time but it was different. You pushed me to be better, to try harder. The others are just yelling at me telling what I’m not doing right and it’s becoming too much. I have no motivation anymore. I miss you, I miss you more than anything.”

* * *

“We’re taking you home, Lance. We decided that you should be with your family, back on Earth. I don’t know what we’re planning on telling them, but as cruel as it is, I don’t think we can tell them the truth. It’s going to be weird without you here. You’ve been gone for a while, but you’ve still been present on the castle, you know? I could still come visit you, see your stupid, handsome face. I don’t know what’s going to happen when I can’t do that anymore. It feels like letting go, and I’m not ready. Can you believe I don’t even have a photo of you? What if I forget what you look like what if I forget your voice I think I’m already forgetting I miss you I miss you I miss you.”

* * *

Keith stands behind the team, taking in the room as Hunk and Pidge deliver the news to Lance’s family. He has such a big family, there are so many of them, so when the room suddenly breaks into sobs and cries, it becomes overwhelming. There are so many people, even more tears and to Keith it quickly becomes too much too soon. Shiro seems to catch his discomfort and as soon as he looks like he understands Keith takes it as an invitation to leave and does so. He sprints back to the castle and does not leave his room until the others return.

“Hi. I thought talking to a lifeless body was weird, but talking to a photo is definitely weirder. You have such a big family Lance, and they’re all so so kind - despite the horrible news we delivered. They were distraught, of course, but still treated us with such respect and affection. Not that I doubt it, I just wouldn’t know first hand. You see, I kind of… left in the middle. There were so many of them, and I couldn’t stay any longer. They also reminded me a lot of you, which I guess was why it got so painful. When we first got to your home, I saw all these children running around, and then adults yelling after them in Spanish. They were so lively, happy and filled with laughter. All I could see was you, every time I saw a new family member I saw a similarity between you and them, something you took after them, or vice versa. It got worse when they recognised Pidge and Hunk. They knew something was wrong when you weren’t with them. I can’t talk about that anymore, sorry. After it got too much I headed back to the castle and stayed in my room until the others came back. They told me they were going to make you a shrine, and asked if I wanted to help, or at least watch. I told them I might watch, and then Hunk handed me a whole photo album dedicated to you. I started tearing up and when I looked up everyone had such tender smiles. Shiro told me that they could tell bringing your body back to your family affected me a lot, so they asked them if they could take a photo of you back to the castle. Apparently they gave up an entire photo album, after they assured they had copies. I thought it was unfair for me to have so many photos so I picked out my favourite one, the one I am currently talking to, and decided to put the album at the centre of the shrine I was going to help the team make. I’ve closed myself off too long and we need each other now. Did I mention the shrine is in your room? We’ve kept it exactly as you left it, and I guess instead of going to the healing chamber I’ll be going to your room now. Doesn’t make a difference, I’ll be missing you wherever I go.”

* * *

“Pidge came out as agender today. Everyone was really supportive, and they were so happy they started crying, then we all group hugged. There was a bit of a gap between us, and I couldn’t help but think about how that space was left for you. Afterwards, I looked back on everyone’s reactions, and started to think about the way you used to react to various things. I remember that on the occasion something caught you off guard, you’d flail and shout, in disbelief over what you heard or saw. It was, dare I say, cute. Anyways, so much is changing Lance, and it feels weird moving forward without you. Hunk and Shay are officially dating - she’s even moved onto the ship, and if my suspicions are correct, Shiro and Allura may be an item soon too. Everyone is really happy, and I am too, but I just feel like I’d be happier if you were here. I’ve been missing you more lately, there’s so much you missed out on; so many occasions you should’ve been here for.”

* * *

The six month anniversary of Lance’s death is a dark day. The castle seems gloomier, and nothing seems to cheer the team up, they’re all in mourning. It seems like the universe is on their side and nothing urgent happens, they can take the day off. Most of the team go to Lance’s room and pay their respects but Keith doesn’t. He locks himself in his room, clutching the photo he has of Lance trying to fight away the tears that eventually win and fall down his face. He lies curled up under his covers, trying not to think of the time when he could actually see Lance’s bright smile, hear his melodic laughter and witness his terrible jokes. He cries himself to sleep.

* * *

“We found Pidge’s family! They are so, so ecstatic and overall it was a very successful rescue. We just had dinner together and right now everyone is in the main room, gushing and catching up on all the lost time. I just thought I might come pay you a visit. Things are going well Lance, it finally feels like we have a shot at winning. We’ll still be fighting just as hard, if not harder, to save the universe so no more innocent lives will be lost. You didn’t deserve to die, Lance, but we will honour your death by saving vast amounts of lives in the entire universe. I miss you, and I wish you were here.”

* * *

“Lance, it’s over. We’ve defeated Zarkon and the Galra empire. Our mission has been accomplished. I wish you could’ve been here for this glorious day. Allura says there are many different paths we can take now, some involving staying and being intergalactic diplomats, or we can go home. Everyone else seems to know what they want to do already. Shiro is going to stay and help Allura; Hunk is going to take Shay to Earth and show her around; Pidge and their family are finally going home; I don’t know what I’ll do. Earth is my home, but strangely it hasn’t felt like that to me for a long time. I can’t leave the castle, there are too many memories here, it feels like I’d be leaving you, and I think it has become home. Two homes… I never thought I’d have anything near that. I have a family now, too, one which you are apart of. I still miss you, more than ever.”

* * *

“You are my home, Lance. I realised that when Allura told us we had to make a choice. It’s strange that I relate home with a person, with a _dead_ person no less. However, I think that so long as I have you with me, even if it’s in spirit, I will be okay. I say I miss you, even though I like to believe you are still with me in my heart.”

* * *

“I’ve decided to visit Earth. I haven’t been back in too long and a part of me is still attached to the planet; there are also so many places I never got the chance to visit and explore. Allura told me I am always welcome aboard the ship, and that she and Coran can pick me up if, and as soon as, I give the signal. I know that you’re with me wherever I go, but I hold a special connection to you with this place. It will feel like leaving, and it may be hard at first, but I am sure you will find your way back to me. I miss you, always have and always will.”

That night, just before Keith sets off to Earth with the red lion, a voice enters his mind. At first he thinks it’s Red, but it’s unlike anything he’s ever heard from her and it seemed to struggle to get to Keith. Only after registering the words that left as quickly as they came did he realise who was speaking - it was the blue lion.

“He misses you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you thought, leave a comment or a kudos! :))
> 
> (if you are also reading my current fic, I'm sorry, I swear I'll work on finishing it)
> 
> check out [my tumblr](https://riskeith.tumblr.com), if ya want - talk to me, anything!


End file.
